I think I’ve lost my ability to think deeply about things. I think amidst all of the hustle and bustle of “adult” life, and consuming enormous quantities of digital entertainment, I’m less articulate about my feelings and more two-dimensional in thought than I have ever been in my life. It’s interesting because usually I feel like mere language are not enough to capture the complexity of my emotions (I say that facetiously).

Interviews

The residency interview process so far has been very trying on both my mental and physical condition. I’ve only been to 10 of my 27 interviews, but I am already exhausted. I leave every interview day feeling worn and drained, without any clear ideas about how to recharge aside from sleeping it off.

I expected as much going into this whole thing. I knew it would be a lot of traveling to far places, mingling with unfamiliar faces, and trying to please strangers. What’s surprising is the kind of questions I have to ask myself and the soul searching I’ve had to do. It’s all very reminiscent of college apps.

Interviews require applicants to be very clear on four seemingly basic elements. Who are you / Where have you been? Where are you now? Where do you want to be? Why should we want you? Answering each of these questions is trickier than expected, as you must tailor your answers to match the tone and desires of the hirer, but also stay true to your original mission, lest you come across as undriven and directionless, the ultimate branding mark of failure.

And the more I think about it, the more unconfident I am in the message I’m sending, what I stand for, who I represent… I feel ashamed for what exactly I’m selling and deceitful for portraying myself the way I am to do so. And all of this amplified when I see other applicants effortlessly communicating and socializing and selling themselves.

It’s very possible I’m putting too much pressure on myself to hit a home run with every interview, but it’s gotten to the point where I cannot even conceive or visualize an interview going overwhelmingly well. It just doesn’t seem possible given my limitations. It could all just be in my brain and a mental block, but I’m not sure how to overcome that. Some people are just able to walk away from every interview feeling like they killed that. Wish I knew their secret.